The topic of self-love has no doubt become one of the most discussed topics in the last 2 years than ever before. It's all over social media.
It's a topic that I myself have been exploring since a hard-hitting truth in my own life made its appearance and I had to face several obstacles to overcome it. One of these obstacles was the fact that I gave too much of my energy to others, shifting my own wants and needs aside to accommodate other people, thinking that it's a form of love, in some cases "biblical acts", thinking that it's in my personality to give without thinking twice about it. I've learned that even though it is a beautiful characteristic - you will get burnt in the process when you don't set boundaries for yourself and that's exactly what happened to me. Not only with people but my own personal vision, goals, values, standards, etc took a knock, because somewhere along the way, I have forgotten who I was and what I wanted.
Self-sabotage is just as broad a topic, as Google describes it:
"Self-sabotage is often driven by negative self-talk, where you tell yourself that you're inadequate, or unworthy of success. You find yourself thinking things like, "You can't do that!" "You don't deserve that." "If you try, you'll probably just fail anyway." "
I believe that we self-sabotage ourselves in every aspect of our lives, not only when it comes to success. We shift aside our own goals, vision, wants, and needs to accommodate other people. A simple example would be a friend who invites you to a BBQ - you don't really want to go, because you have something else planned, or you are tired, or maybe you wanted to chill at home, but now instead of listening to your own needs, you say yes and you go. What follows is the pressure of keeping up with the feeling you had, pushing yourself to "enjoy" a night out where you actually just wanted to chill. The problem with this is, that we don't really communicate and sometimes, we're afraid of rejection. Oh but maybe she'll throw a fit, or maybe she won't invite me again, or whatever excuse we tell ourselves because we're too afraid of standing up and listening to our own needs. Things like this happen all the time and in even greater more serious scenarios, like within relationships. So you stay with someone, because it's "safer", it's "familiar", What will everyone think, what will they say, how will it make you look if you leave? We pressure ourselves so much, and for what? To accommodate people? Who in any way doesn't care about your life? Think about it for a moment, people really don't care, even though they have opinions and think they're so involved in your life, but in essence, they are busy with their own stuff.
Okay, so, how do we stop limiting ourselves? How do we stop self-sabotaging?
What worked for me during my time of turmoil and fighting obstacles in my life - was I had to learn to look into my heart and change the voices in my head, I had to become centered with who I was. I had to HEAL the unhealed wounds and change the patterns that drove me to this massive obstacle, I had to rewire my thinking and deliberately change my doings. It takes hard work and action every day - being kind and compassionate towards yourself, looking at the step ahead and not the whole staircase. You see we grew up with certain beliefs and were told the same story over and over, and along the way, it formed our thinking - breaking these patterns requires taking action in healthier ways and it's literally for everything in our lives.
Doing so meant that I had to go back to the roots and get to know myself from the start and from there onwards, it's a daily process of communicating with yourself like you would with a true friend. Asking yourself in EVERY situation, is this okay? Why am I feeling like this? Why do I get offended? Why does this person make me feel this way? Why am I doubting my abilities? Why does it seem so big and impossible?
It's about changing the records in your mind, changing your belief system, and telling yourself that there's an abundance for all of us. You don't lack anything, you're simply growing, you have what it takes, and you're simply learning how to get there. It's about nurturing yourself, like you would a little child - talking to the little girl in yourself, helping her to see clearly, to understand, to be accepted - knowing that it's up to you to take action, to say no, to change what's no longer serving you. It's up to you to decide how you want your life to look. It's up to you to change the direction, if you don't like certain things, change them. If you don't like how you're feeling with certain people, stop seeing them - it is that easy, you just have to stop telling yourself how difficult it is and stop self-sabotaging yourself to accommodate other people or things.
Ask yourself the hard-hitting questions, and ask yourself if you are really willing to change, because it takes courage to step up and say, this is it, I am not happy and I actually want to do something about it. We self-sabotage because we believe that we don't have what it takes, or we believe that we deserve certain things happening to us, where in essence, nothing you have done or said is or was the repercussion of where you find yourself, it's simply a limiting belief and it's your job to change it. Asking the WHY would help direct you into where you have to find healing in your life - doing so will redirect your actions and thinking. You will then start to make decisions based on love and kindness towards yourself and other people. Setting boundaries, for instance, is not for other people, it's for yourself. When you start to live self-aware, you learn a different communication style, coming from a place of love and not from codependency, attachments, agitations, irritability, or anxiety - when you stay centered with yourself, constantly redirecting yourself, you will know how to communicate your needs to others, without being rude or selfish, it's simply thinking of what is important to you now and what you want to allow into your life and what not. Think of it from a mother's point of view - if she knew her child has a friend who bullies him or her, will she allow them to be friends? I don't think so. Becoming your own best friend is the route to becoming healthy, being open to the right friends and people, and allowing yourself to attract beauty into your life.
Also, we limit ourselves by saying "I'll start tomorrow", "I will have the conversation another day..." "I will try it later..." - tomorrow, later and another day comes and when it does, we don't have the courage to do so - there will NEVER come a right time, you have to do something about it NOW, don't wait anymore. Don't waste time trying to contemplate whether something is good for you or not, listen to your own heart, and stand up for who you are and who you want to be. For once in your life, do something that matters to YOU.